Goodness me, is it that time of year again?
Christmas lights, silver baubles, cute little robins and white satin bows that clip on the tree. Silver chains with silver bells that adorn the branches and the Christmas sheep rather than the angel that sits on the top.
Yes, sheep, don’t ask. Laytonia tradition.
And all the outside lights. Especially the lights that twinkle in the tall evergreen with the red berries by the front door that was here when we bought the house over 40 years ago. Forensic research has never established what the species is but it looks younger and healthier with age, which is more than can be said of yours truly.
And of course, there’s the red-nosed wicker Rudolph that makes the grandchildren giggle with excitement when they see it on the front door.
I cannot believe another year has gone…
And I can’t believe I’m back in the bloody loft scrabbling around trying to find the wretched stuff! Where the bloody hell did I put it all?
When I say loft, don’t get the wrong idea. It’s nothing so glamorous as an automatic set of steps gracefully descending from a hatch in the ceiling, comedy fodder for seasonal films like National Lampoon Christmas Vacation and the accident-prone Clark Griswold aka the brilliant Chevvy Chase.
Our loft is nothing like that. Sticking with the film allusion, the Laytonia loft is more Being John Malkovich.
We knocked a hole in the wall of our top bedroom into the eaves of the roof. It was a journey into the unknown but we created a large storage area – ideal for any occupants who are less than two feet tall.
In what seems like a blink of an eye, here I am again on all fours! Crawling around, trying to find the blue Ikea bags containing all the Christmas decorations. Shifting suitcases, boxes of God knows what, a set of skis, that with my knees are never going to see the slopes again. I just can’t bear to admit it by getting rid of them.
What’s this? A trunk full of old scripts that I hang on to in the vain hope that some Doctor in the House or On the Buses enthusiast might pay a small fortune for them on eBay. That’s never going to happen, I wouldn’t have a clue how to put anything on eBay!
All the while, I’m muttering my seasonal mantra to Moya if she’s in earshot, but usually to myself:
‘I can’t believe it’s Christmas again. It only seems two minutes since I packed all this stuff away! It comes round too quickly!’
I perform a down dog yoga movement to ease my aching back and I hit my head on a sloping beam. This focuses my feelings towards the annual 12 days of Christmas.
It is time for change and this would seem an apposite moment to share with you my thoughts on how the festive season could be adapted to fit in with this modern, fast-moving world.
It is important to stress that these proposals – admittedly revolutionary proposals – come from a secular perspective. More than that. A Jewish secular perspective! Or should that be a secular Jewish perspective? I don’t know.
MOTION:
Christmas – like the Olympics and the World Cup – should take place every 4 years.
Whoa, whoa! I knew there would be a stampede. Please listen. Hear me out.
Is it not the 4-year build up to each Olympic Games and World Cup tournament that makes them so thrilling? Think about it. If events like these took place every year, would they be as exciting? Of course not.
The same with Christmas. Can you imagine the unbridled anticipation? The fever-pitch excitement? The look on the faces of little children, especially 4-year olds who will be experiencing their very first Christmas! I really think this is a winner!
What about the religious side of Christmas, I hear you say?
For the minority where Christmas holds religious connotations, the status quo remains. Nothing would change.
Midnight mass, church services and the religious part of Christmas, which those of you who focus on the food frenzy and spending spree aspect of the festive season may not be aware of, these will continue as before.
Not only will my innovative 4-yearly Christmas be more exciting and special, having the current annual hedonistic bean feast spread out over a longer period, can only be good for the nation’s health. What do you think…?
* * * * * * * * * *
So, as the Christmas Grinch extracts his tongue from deep inside his cheek, here is a peek at Christmas in Laytonia.
Every year, it is a joint effort. I lug the all the decorations from the ‘loft’ and Moya does the rest – and as always our home is at its stunning seasonal best.
It has been well documented that the Layton clan will find any excuse for a celebratory get-together and Christmas is no exception.
As with so many people, family gatherings have been sadly frustrated by lockdown, tiers and all the pandemic constrictions that this miserable year has imposed on us.
Christmas in Laytonia is going to be markedly different this year. Normally, our younger son (God bless him) cooks a sit-down lunch for all the family, nuclear and extended.
It can number well over 30 people – and that’s with the Christmas Grinch uncharitably grateful to those who can’t make it due to their own extended family commtments
And every year I raise a glass and make the same quip:
‘For a family that was virtually wiped out by the Holocaust, look at us now!’
It will be a small gathering this year, well within the Boris dictat – with one extra self-imposed rule:
We have all booked, at not inconsiderable expense, the Coronavirus test on the 22nd of December, after which we will remain in our own bubble.
From the start of this wretched pandemic, we have been ultra careful and we see little point in taking unnecessary risks at this late stage with the vaccine so close.
* * * * * * * * * *
‘Life in Laytonia’ is now heading for a short lockdown of its own. A mini-Christmas break. There will be musings but somewhat sporadically posted over the 12 days of Christmas.
It only remains for me to raise a glass and say Happy Christmas and farewell to 2020.
And there can be no better way to say good riddance to this horrid year, than by clicking on the video below and listening to ‘The Demon of 2020’ written and sung by the hugely talented Beardyman. The lyrics are superb!!
Addendum, Postscript, Adjunct, call it what you like. In true Member of Parliament protocol, I should declare an interest:
The above-mentioned Beardyman is my son-in-law.
Despite that, I still think that he is hugely talented!
Happy Christmas…
Merry Christmas, George, and to your family. And thank you for the fun and entertainment that you have given us over decades, both on screen and through your writing. You’ve helped to make life a lot more fun along the way, and now even more so now looking back. My life has certainly been enriched by it, and it is no doubt the same for millions of others. It’s hard to imagine growing up without your good self and Mr O’Sullivan on the telly.
Merry Christmas, George & to your family. I have watch your career blossom since I saw you in Len & the river mob back in 1967 and had the pleasure of speaking to you on LBC radio in 1988 with Bob Harris. I have enjoyed your weekly updates and may you continue !
Thanks Kevin.
“Len & The River Mob”? Goodness, that was a long time ago.
Filmed in St Katherine’s Dock before it was developed in the upmarket trendy place it is today.
Do you remember ‘Len’s’ name?
‘Len Tanner’…
Looking forward (hopefully) to a better New Year.
I have just Google “Len & river mob” ,1968 was the year in question ! but I was interested to read that another cast member was Chris Chittell AKA Eric Pollard, 34 years in Emmerdale, not quite William Roache but that is a long time. George was I Imagining it but did you play a drug addict in a program for school on TV back in the 1970’s ?
Hey George, such generous comments. Too kind.
Always good to hear from you.
When I see Richard O’S. God willing in the New Year, I will pass on your comments.
What did you think of the Beardyman song? Admittedly, I’m biased but I do think it is BRILLIANT!
Keep safe…
I think I replied in the wrong reply box.
Take 2:
Hey Ge
orge, such generous comments. Too kind.
Always good to hear from you.
When I see Richard O’S. God willing in the New Year, I will pass on your comments.
What did you think of the Beardyman song? Admittedly, I’m biased but I do think it is BRILLIANT!
Keep safe…
Thank you, George, I agree Beardyman’s track is superb and reminiscent of a great era of very clever protest music that doesn’t seem to exist to the same extent, if at all, any more. A little reminiscent of Randy Newman and Bob Dylan I thought. It would mean a great deal if you were to pass on my good wishes and thanks to Richard O’Sullivan when next you see him, thank you for that kind thought. Best wishes and keep safe and well.
When I see Richard, I’ll get him to read your message!!
Thankyou 🙂
George and Moya, a Very Happy Christmas to you both.
I’ve really enjoyed your ramblings, your witticisms, your moans and your reminiscences these past 9 months. I look forward every Sunday or Monday to reading your blog.
I grew up with your face and name on our TV, George. Whether as a scriptwriter, actor or author, I’ve always been drawn to your work. And now, in this awful 2020, you’re once again on my radar. As a family, we are watching and rewatching some of your sitcoms and wonder where the years have gone. A gentler time there will never be again. So, we look back and are grateful to you, George, and your fellow writers and actors and for the wonderful chance to still watch these programmes thanks to tape, DVD, satellite TV and YouTube.
Good health and get that bloody autobiography written.
Merry Christmas. See you in the New Year!
Lovely sentiments, Brad. Very much appreciated it. I have always thrived on encouragement.
A very happy Christmas to you and your family.
I will get on with the autobiography but it’s tricky in tandem with “Life in Laytonia’.
But my new year resolution is to get on with it!!
Hi George
Enjoying your blog and being able to watch the old Robin’s Nest shows that are being shown on Forces TV at the moment. Have a very wonderful Christmas and if when hopefully we get to the other side of this virus you are near the British Museum, let me know and I’ll give you a tour! Let Richard O know how appreciative of his work everyone is – you both are a great team. All the best! Lisa
Thank you Lisa. I’ll be taking you up on the British Museum offer!! Hopefully sooner than later.
Contrary to what I wrote last week – there is another ‘Life in Laytonia’ next week…
Have you ever heard of the Moomins, a kind of troll invented by Tove Jansson? This is considered children’s literature, but as is the case with all good children’s literature, it can and should be read by adults as well. I’m especially thinking of one story called The Fir Tree, which apparently is included in the book Tales from Moominvalley. In it Moomin and his family, who usually hibernate, awake shortly before Christmas. They see all the Hemuls, other creatures living in the valley, preparing themselves for the Christmas season. Judging from their behaviour Moomin is trying to figure out, what this strange thing called Christmas is. He sort of gets it hilariously wrong exactly because he observes the Hemuls, but his family’s eventual Christmas party catches the spirit spot on. If you do not know it, I guess you will enjoy reading it.
I am very glad to hear that you have such a vast family. And this in spite of the atrocities my grandparents either committed or at least did nothing to prevent. I’m not sure because they never actually did talk about that time.
Great singing and lyrics by Beardyman and Randy Newman has long been a favourite of mine.
Merry Christmas and a wonderful 2021 to you and your family – and I would love to second the wishes to Richard O’Sullivan as well.
Stay safe
Daniela
Danni – it has been great to get your weekly comments. It is so encouraging.
Just to let you know, despite what I wrote last week, I am about to post this week’s ‘L in L’!
Happy 2021.
Happy Christmas George! Still enjoying your blogs so I hope you keep going in the new year – after you’ve put the Christmas decorations away – mind your head. Take care.
Thanks Paul. Just to let you know that you don’t have to wait until after Christmas.
despite what I wrote, this week’s ‘L in L’ is about to go up!
I think once-a-year Christmas, etc. works fine, if only marketers would stop trying to make the season start before Halloween! Can’t expect it to feel so special when it’s 2+ months long….
Thank you for your blog — that & revisiting the various incarnations of “Doctor In The House” have done a lot to keep my spirits up this year. An ongoing source of joy of which you should be very proud. (And eBay is easy, you can do it!)
Your decorations are lovely! Happy Christmas to your whole family, and a healthy New Year to us all.