6th January 2021
So, here we are. The 12 days of Christmas are over. The first ‘Life in Laytonia’ of 2021.
Yes, I’m back after the festive break and I’m raring to go!
But I have a dilemma.
7th January 2021
Well, that was a good day’s work. I spent most of it staring out of the window, marginally better than staring at a blank computer screen, which is what I am doing now. Except that today my head is in a worse place than yesterday.
After watching last night’s 10’clock BBC news bulletin, I went to bed with filling tear ducts having witnessed an unruly mob in a banana republic once known as America, being exhorted to riot by an unhinged President.
This starkly contrasted with the next news item: decent people in Hong Kong being manacled and arrested whilst defending their human rights being threatened by Communist China.
3rd up in this depressing sequence of news reports (brief respite for Boris Johnson) was the latest Coronavirus infection figures together with distressing footage from NHS hospitals.
Small wonder that I am finding it more than a little tricky to get a handle on this week’s ‘L in L’.
This is my dilemma.
I signed off the dreaded year of 2020 with – in my opinion – a justified Boris moan. Here’s a brief flavour to remind you:
“Sadly Boris Johnson appears incapable taking such (unpopular) decisions. He is always trying to be a people pleaser, something that has been the pattern of his lack of leadership throughout this pandemic. Indecisive, vacillating, flip-flopping…”
I have said it before; Boris Johnson is in an impossible position. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Yesterday I wrote that I was raring to go. Indeed, that was all I did write. Raring to go, certainly, but raring to go where?
I was raring to go into the New Year on a more optimistic note. Find something positive to say about our poor old put-upon Prime Minister.
Hmm…
Excuse me whilst I stare out of the window for a moment or two.
Got it! Brexit! Boris did it! He got his oven ready deal out of the freezer, into the Aga and onto the table just in time.
You could almost hear Gregg Wallace shouting his familiar ‘Boris, you’ve got 5 minutes, mate’!
Boris: Phor! 5 minutes? No problemo. Even got time for a swig of the old Christmas sherry. Eh, what?
And Chef Boris served up it up with minutes to spare. Phew!
Sadly – and this can happen to the best of cooks – Boris’ Christmas turkey of a deal may have been oven ready, but had it completely defrosted?
I think not.
Whilst there was much smacking of lips from some predictable quarters, the oven ready deal made quite a number of people sick.
Me for one.
As an ardent remainer – I guess this is where I may have to bid a sad ‘au revoir’ to some of you, or rather, since we have left Europe, a stiff upper lip British ‘farewell’ – as an ardent remainer, I believe that for all the EU’s cumbersome bureaucracy and financial chicanery, what we have negotiated is – in my opinion – not as good as what we had before.
But enough of that! No more politics. There are numerous commentators, political and otherwise, far more qualified than I to talk about Prime Minister People Pleaser and his ability to (u)turn on a sixpence with gob-smacking agility that would make the late George Best look sluggish.
I will leave it to others to marvel at Michael Gove’s communications skills. No member of the Cabinet can match Mr Gove when it comes to stating government policy and 24 hours later, with the same conviction, state the opposite. It is a brass-neck talent to behold.
It is not for me to comment on a Minister of Education who I guess graduated in woodwork, nor a Minister of Transport who from the start of this pandemic, rather than protect this island, has allowed people arriving at airports and other points of entry, to proceed through customs unchecked. It is gratifying to note though that he has had time to reorganise his bookshelf so that during television interviews viewers can clearly see the book ‘Grant Shaps’ by Pete Buttigieg displayed on his shelf.
No. I am going to share with you some exciting New Year news. Actually, ‘exciting’ is an understatement, it is life-changing news.
Two days ago I received a letter from a Mr Wai Feng, a Manager at the CTBC Bank in Hong Kong. When you read it, you will see why my heart is still racing. I cannot believe my good fortune.
It reads:
Dear Mr Layton
My name is Wai Feng. I am a Manager at CTBC Bank here in Hong Kong. I hoping this meet you in good health.
This letter is posted on my behalf by a friend who is travelling to United Kingdom. I contact you regarding the funds of a deceased client with the surname of Layton under our management. Please I ask that you keep the information in this letter confidential between both of us as I contact you independently and no one knows of my communication to you.
In 2004, a client by name of Mr John Layton set up investment account with our private banking division. He had portfolio of $11million USD which he invested. In 2005, he instructed that the initial sum ($11M) be liquidated because he making an investment requiring cash payment in Beijing. We contacted a specialist bank on the mainland; Shengjing Bank, who agreed to receive this money and make cash available to Mr John Layton.
However, Shengjing Bank communicated last year that this money has not been claimed. On enquiry, I found out that Mr John passed away in Jiangxi. He has no next of kin and the reason I am writing to you is because you have the same surname.
I have access and control to his file so what I plan is that I insert documents that make you beneficiary of these funds. Shengjing Bank will have to contact you because you are the legal beneficiary. On verification, which will be the details I make available to CTBC, Shengjing Bank will be instructed to make payments to you.
Please trust me, this is 100% achievable. What I am proposing is that we split the money 50/50. The alternative is that the money will go to the government. Nobody gets hurt in this deal, this is a very good opportunity for us. I would like us to have communication by my above telephone and email.
Please I am a family man and I have take risk to contact you but I know in life you have to take available chance to succeed. If we can be in agreement, we should act quick on this. Please get back to me as soon as possible.
I await reply, many thank you.
Ai
Isn’t this amazing? I am about to inherit around 5 million dollars! I can’t quite believe it. It’s like winning the lottery without even having to fork out a couple of quid for the ticket.
I am going to say something now: this may be a life-changing sum of money but it is not going to change my life. I will continue to write my column/blog, you have my assurance on that.
It is so kind of this Mr Wai Feng to take the trouble to seek me out and write to me. I can’t think how he found my address. I am so grateful.
There is just one troublesome fly in the ointment; Layton is not my original family name.
My parents were refugees from Austria and after serving in the British army, my dad was rewarded with the opportunity of anglicizing his Viennese surname. He chose Layton, spelt with an ‘a’ rather than the usual ‘e’, resulting in many an email failing to pop up in my inbox.
Ho-hum. I suppose I ought to contact the thoughtful Mr Wai Feng and tell him that Mr John Layton’s $11 million nest egg should be shared with a Layton whose family goes back for generations. It’s the honourable thing to do. Shame…
Coincidentally, I was thinking about my late father’s choice of surname only a few days ago.
Following a telephone consultation with my doctor, I found myself thinking that it would have been extremely useful if, way back in 1947, my dad had chosen the surname Aardvark rather than Layton.
Not only would George Aardvark have been a highly memorable name for an actor, when it came to alphabetical billing and film and TV credits, it couldn’t have done me any harm.
More important, however, it would have been hugely beneficial during this awful Covid 19 pandemic.
During the telephone consultation with my GP, I happened to mention that I knew of people considerably younger than myself who were getting the vaccine jab.
With my actor’s vanity, I am not going to reveal how (very) old I am. Suffice to say that I am in the second group category, (fractionally) under 80 and considerably older than 75.
Knowing that an actor friend who is over 86 and in poor health and a lady of my acquaintance who is 92 have not yet had the vaccine, I asked my doctor how it was that some over 75’s were getting it ahead of them. She had no explanation.
I might add at this point, if I were lucky enough to be offered the vaccine, I doubt that I would have the moral fibre to check that those ‘ahead of me in the queue’ so to speak, had had theirs’ first!
‘Tell me, doctor, when it does come the under-80’s getting the vaccination, how will it work? How will we be contacted? In what order will we be vaccinated?’
‘Alphabetically, Mr Layton.’
That was when I had wished that my dad had chosen Aardvark when he changed the family surname.
Still, I should count my lucky stars – he could have opted for Zoolander…
Dear George,
you did it, although you could not avoid mentioning all the dire things that happened last week, you still made me laugh out so loud. Firstly that you talk about the people who make you angry by pretending not to – this is always a good move.
And secondly the story of your surname, which reminded me so much of the film director Max Ophüls and how he got his surname and what happened consequently. In his autobiography Ophüls, whose real surname was Oppenheimer, tells that his father was not really pleased with his choice of vocation – first he trained as an actor – and since he did not want to be associated with him, he told his son to change his name. Ophüls’ acting coach advised him to choose a surname with the same initial, so he could keep his monogrammed handkerchiefs. So Maximillian Oppenheimer became Max Ophüls. Years later when Ophüls had made a name as a film director, a visitor from Düsseldorf wanted to have a look at him. It was an imposing, blond man, a professor, who introduced himself by saying that he was an emissary from the Lower Rhenish family of Ophüls, and he wanted to have a look at him. As he observed Max this giant commented:”O, you must be descended from the Viking branch of our family!”, welcoming him into it. If you do not know what he looked like, just google an image ;)!
The title of this week’s post also reminded me of the beginning of this video https://youtu.be/T6YE5h2Xtow, which again made me smile. The Dutch title translates “Sleep tight”.
Please stay safe!
Hi Danni – your comments are always encouraging. Thank you once again.
To my shame, I had never heard of Max Ophüls. When I checked him out & saw his credits, my shame increased!
Keep well & safe…
George
George, you shouldn’t feel ashamed because though I had heard his name before it never meant a lot to me until he hit me by surprise. There was nothing much on on the TV one summer’s night – except for the UEFA Euros – and I sat down in front of it tuning in to a movie, I was even knitting while doing so. Suddenly I got more and more interested in what was going on on the screen and then it absolutely gripped me. It was Lola Montès, recently restored to its full glory. So if you are interested in Max Ophüls I can really recomment this movie, it is his legacy in so many ways and sadly enough it was butchered soon after its release. Yet the restored version available again now is as faithful to the original and Ophüls’ vision as possible.
Hi George, good to see your return. Happy New Year.
Well, what a start…I’m kind of softening towards Boris a bit. Yes, he’s handled a lot of this crisis appallingly but, as you say, he’s in a no-win position, I guess. Would you like his job? No, thought not. All his life he’s dreamed of becoming our leader and, within 5 minutes of taking office, we are where we are. I must lay blame partly with him for being how he naturally is. But I put greater blame on the idiots and incompetents who are around him. I’m talking of Ministers now, not scientists. What a shower. Imagine where they would be now, if Maggie was in charge. Probably on traffic duty or making tea.
I don’t think the conduct of certain senior figures and the chasm between them and the ordinary person in the Real World has done us any good at all. If we had more determined, strong, forceful and commanding leaders who were steadfast, honest, accountable and exercised great degrees of common sense, I know we’d be so much stronger right now.
Where all this leads us is anyone’s guess. It frightens me and worries me. For our elderly and our young and everyone in between.
I hope Boris takes a deep breath and does something to scare everyone very soon instead of dishing out platitudes, weak, repeated phrases and tired old metaphors. And the sooner that bloody fake tears Health Minister is sacked, the better. His poor wife…what must she think?
Oh, and good luck with the inheritance. We must be related as I had a lovely letter like that a few months ago. I’m assured the cheque is in the post. Now where’s that Readers Digest Prize Draw paperwork that I just won? I’ll never want for anything ever again! Joy.
Good one Brad.
But I’m not softening towards Boris. Not one bit.
I didn’t day that he is in a ‘no win situation’. I said he is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn’t. But be prepared to be damned and grasp the nettle and create a win-win situation. He always acts too late because he doesn’t want to be unpopular. It is one thing to be buoyant, to try and bring an air of optimism, but he has to be realistic. His people-pleasing obsession with over promising and under delivering constantly disappoints and adds to his problems.
Oh, Gawd, I’m going into a rant! Better save this for a ‘L in L’…
Dear Mr. Aardvark,
This letter is posted on my behalf by a friend who is travelling to United Kingdom. I contact you regarding the funds of a deceased client with the surname of Aardvark under our management. Please I ask that you keep the information in this letter confidential between both of us as I contact you independently and no one knows of my communication to you….
Thank you.
I shall follow this up as soon as the deed poll name change legalities are completed.
Kind regards.
George Aadvark