As we drift down the river Lockdown on the good ship Telegraph Online, the time has come for me to jump overboard.
Pinching my nose, closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and make the leap into uncharted waters.
I hear the skipper’s voice.
‘You’ve left your Layton on Lockdown diary behind,’ shouts Cap’n Editor.
‘I don’t need it! ‘ I call back, as I manfully doggy-paddle towards:
THE ISLE OF BLOG…
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I’ve always been a morning person. The moment I open my eyes, I’m straight into a conversation.
‘Moya, I’ve been thinking…’ is usually the first thing I say when I wake up.
‘Darling, give me a minute.’
‘Yes, ‘course. Sorry…but I’ve been thinking.’
And I’ll start my morning rant.
‘For God’s sake, George, let me wake up!’
‘Yes, sorry…But I’ve been thinking about Michael Gove. He’s a twat.’
I blame BBC Sounds. Being a poor sleeper, I spend much of the night with an earphone in one ear, listening to the app.
You can go back 30 days. I’ve probably had my ear tuned to an old edition of Any Questions.
Or, I’ve been lying there since 6am, getting increasingly wound-up by the Today programme, and by 6.45, I’m selfishly willing Moya to stir, so that I can begin my morning vent.
It must be irritating to live with. Well, I know it is.
‘For God’s sake, ring the BBC. Write to The Guardian, The Times, The Telegraph!
‘Not the Mail?’ I ask, helpfully.
I get her steely look.
‘How many times? Write a blog, get it out of your system’.
For years she’s been telling me this. I respond with the years-old lazy excuse I always toss back.
‘I wouldn’t know where to start,’ I whine.
‘Find out! Go on the Internet. Just let me wake up!’
So, I’m finally doing it. I hope I’m not the only one reading it. But if I am, at least I’m keeping one person happy.
Until I wake her up with a cup of tea – and start ranting.
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The Government mantra ‘Stay Home – Protect the NHS – Save Lives’ has shifted to ‘Stay Alert – Control the Virus – Save Lives’
It would appear that the Government had to import two antipodeans, Issac Levido, a communications strategist from Australia, and Ben Guerin, a digital advisor from New Zealand, to help devise this new slogan.
Goodness, where would we be without them?
‘Layton on Lockdown’, initially commissioned by the Telegraph Online for 1 week, then extended to 4 weeks and ultimately 7 weeks, is now making the transition to a weekly blog.
In line with government policy, it was felt a change of name was required, together with a change of format
Following intensive strategy meetings, many late into the night, Layton on Lockdown has now been rebranded:
‘Life in Laytonia’!
And I did this all by myself. No antipodeans required.
When I say, I did it myself, being a self-confessed technophobe, I haven’t clue what I’m doing.
It is all down to Ferdy, my tech guy, and I am relying on Ferdy to ensure that this blog is online every Monday.
Let me tell you about him: apart from being a whizz-kid when it comes to all things technical, Ferdy also has a rum business.
By ‘rum’, I don’t mean dubious. He sources and market rums from around the world.
I mention this because, in line again with the government, I am looking at ways to ease lockdown.
And if the odd bottle of rum were to come my way, it would certainly ease lockdown the land of Laytonia.
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I’m not one for change. If it were up to me, our house would be a shrine to the 80’s. We would still have the same pine kitchen with the Spanish tiled worktop and splash-back that we put in over 40 years ago.
Mind you, it was an early Smallbone kitchen. It could have been the earliest, perhaps the first, in London.
It was installed by Charlie Smallbone himself in 1980 and Smallbone of Devizes didn’t open their Notting Hill showroom until 1981.
‘That is a kitchen that will last a lifetime!’
I don’t know if it was me or Charlie Smallbone who said it, but having gone through a crippling divorce, emotionally and financially, I have no doubts that I justified this expensive kitchen by believing that it was literally ‘a kitchen for life’
That our home is not trapped in an 80’s time warp is down to Moya’s vision, creative flair, excellent taste and ultimate disregard of my lazy, mean-spirited, penny-pinching negativity.
Moya embraces change whilst I, either through fear or laziness, resist it.
This is why I have shunned social media. Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin – they are not for me. I have recently got into Twitter, but how it works is a mystery. I can never follow ‘the thread’.
And now, writing this blog unnerves me; Ferdy has completely gone off my radar. Without him I haven’t a clue how to get it to go live, online, on the screen!
See, I don’t even know the jargon.
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One of the joys of being an actor, is sometimes you get to work with people that you have long admired. Hero-worshipped is not too strong a hyphen-ated word to use.
Bob Monkhouse springs to mind.
Growing up in the 50’s, radio was King and Bob Monkhouse was a Giant in radio comedy. And I was glued to the radio.
I worked with Bob in 1965 in a television play, Enter Solly Gold, and he became a life-long friend. That, however, is a story for another Life in Laytonia day.
It is the great and much-missed Roy Kinnear I want to talk about.
Roy was my kind of actor; long before I ever worked with him, I had admired the way he could glide seamlessly from rollicking comedy, which brought tears of laughter, to moving drama that just brought tears.
His heart-rending, almost unwatchable, performance in Sydney Lumet’s, The Hill being just one reminder of this consummate actor.
But more than that, Roy was able to keep the mad profession that acting is, in perspective.
Family always came first, starting with his much-loved wife, Carmel and then the arrival of their first of their three children, Karina.
Unfortunately, due to a lack of oxygen at birth, Karina suffered severe brain damage.
Last week Karina died at the age of 48 from Covid 19.
I only learned of this when I read her brother Rory’s direct, unsentimental and utterly compelling piece in Tuesday’s Guardian.
I would urge you to read it. It will move you to tears.
George I’m like you an Early riser. Yes and as soon as I do I start talking to Aly my wife. She says the same thing to moya. She also reminds me. That she has to get some rest as she will be homeschooling our 10 year old son. Yes at 54 instead of it just being me and my wife I have three Children and left it late with my youngest. My wife and children get fed up of my celebrity stories. I really can’t cope with this century I love the old days Man about The House Doctor in the House Doctor in Charge. I’m also an Entertainer mainly an impersonator and Singer going by the name of Johnny Shiver. But I have worked with Celebrities like yourself. I haven’t reached that title yet still waiting for Fame. I spoke to my wife and Children when I had traced what had happened to my favourite Acor Richard O Sullivan. And wrote to him in the home he is in in Twickenham. What a lovely caring man. Even though he has had a stroke he wrote a short letter back to me thanking me for my Kind words and sent me a photo back of his days in me and my Girl and Duck Turpin and signed it to. You and him got me through my young man years with your Gentle funny comedies so Thankyou George
How great that you wrote to Richard. As soon as this nightmare is over, I’ll be going to see him.
Well I’m reading! I look forward to your regular musings – particularly your reminiscences of a life at the heart of entertainment – from a time I would consider the Golden Age of British TV.
Keep it up Mr Layton!
Liam – thank you for your kind words. Just got to say, it may have been the Golden Age of Comedy – but there were a few duds! Might be uncharitable to say more. But watch this space…
Another fine piece of life commentary from the wonderful George Layton who surely has now rid himself of his techno phobias!
Gill – so pleased that you followed me from the Telegraph into ‘Life in Laytonia’. Love your comments.
This blog needs a story involving me for it to really take off!!
Seriously George the autobiography is long overdue…I’m working on the title !
Love
Askwith
Robin – you’ll have to b-log on every week so that you can read it when it happens.
Keep safe!!
George, I sense a kindred spirit in you. Well we certainly both enjoy rum in all it’s forms and a general mistrust of social media (birdsong in the bushes of madness).
A great read thanks and keep them coming.
Jack – you are always so encouraging. Have made huge hints about the rum!! But I think I’ll have to order online. Will report back.
I also read Rory Kinnear’s it was, moving and tragic and a dreadful reflection on our society… Your blog is terrific by the way.
Jon – so pleased you like the blog – it’s been a long time coming. And if Ferdy, the tech guy goes awol – so will next week’s!!
Folks – since this is the first blog, and you were kind enough to comment (and all nice ones!) you will note that I am replying to EVERYBODY!
It is only good manners…
So glad you are continuing to publish your take on the lockdown George. It brings a smile to my face despite everything. Can’t wait till we can all get together again. xxxx
PS absolutely agree about Rory Kinnear’s piece.
Thank you Jon, so pleased you like the blog – it’s been a long time coming. And if Ferdy goes awol – next week’s will be a long time coming.
You will see, being the first one, it is only good manners to reply to everybody!!
Anne-Marie – couldn’t agree more!!
Well done on reaching the Isle of Blog, George! I love your style of writing, like having a friendly chat! It’s very readable and informative. I look forward to hearing more, when you send the next message in a bottle across the waves…poor Moya.
Thank you, thank you. Next message being scrawled and will be sent from the Isle of Blog!
Erm…why are you not on your 8th book, George? Lovely stuff! xDom
Dominic – you were up early!! 8th book? I spent too many years writing situation comedy!!
But check out the 40th anniversary edition of The Fib, The Swap & The Trick.
Only Macmillan would pay me the compliment of a special edition that sells all 3 books for the price of one!! Odd marketing…
Thank you George. Really enjoyed your blog. Takes me back to my younger days when I used to watch you and Richard on tv. Gentle comedy, which we could do with more of through lockdown. Looking forward to the next one.! Stay safe. X
Thoroughly agree.
I remember a “Doctor” episode where Dr Bingham got well and truly sloshed and played “Good Golly, Miss Molly” on the organ at a funeral in the St Swithin Chapel. Priceless comedy. As you said, Elena, “gentle”. And well constructed, beautifully timed and expertly delivered by actors who knew their trade. Today’s stuff is forgettable and too blunt, on the whole.
Brad
Yes, I thought you had posted on the comment page.
All the previous Layton on Lockdown columns are here too.
Keep safe!!
By the way – the ‘Good Golly Miss Molly’ ep. of Doctor in the House you refer to, was written by myself & Jonathan Lynn.
It was a fun episode to write and Richard O’Sullivan, no slouch when it came to tickling the ivories, was terrific in it.
To remind you, the plot was that Robin Nedwell & myself (Drs.Waring & Collier) were playing golf. One of our balls hit the chapel organist,concussed him & the plot went from there – with Dr Waring frantically driving his American Oldsmobile across the fairway screaming “FORE!”
Elena – you are very kind. Hope you keep reading Life in Laytonia – and tell your friends!!
Goodness George- a quote and a name-check in “Life in Laytonia”!
You may not remember this, but I reintroduced myself to you, around 10 years ago I think- on a short bus trip from Heathrow long term car-park to the Terminals- those were the days, travelling free and easy!
Now I cannot tell you how much pleasure it gives me to hear that your kitchen is still going strong after all these years- i have heard it said that the pleasure it keeps giving continues long after the pain of what you had to pay to purchase it has subsided!
And I guess that in all honesty, irrespective of whether it were you or me who said this, the remark was made at the time more in hope than in any sort of positive expectation…
We did open our first small Studio showroom in Needham Road W11 in 1979/80 and my memory is that you visited, and I was actually a bit star struck, though keen not to show this- unlike when Vince Hill came to the Studio, and I did not recognise him immediately!
“A kitchen to last a lifetime” does seem today like the sort of value I want to aspire to- my sister also has a similar vintage kitchen we built for her home in Wandsworth, so I feel its a genuine statement of intent…
Thanks so much for mentioning this in the blog, and I hope your surroundings can continue to inspire your musings!
Can I also thank Mr Steve Abbott, the most discreet away supporter I know, who has shared seats at the Madejski, when the Bantams have visited Reading, and Steve’s and my mutual best friend Mr Paddy Poltock who passed your blog to me!
Thanks and All the Best
Charlie Smallbone
Charlie – how great to hear from you. Of course I remember our meeting at Heathrow. It was more than 10 years ago, i can tell you that. i have a memory that it was in the car park, both searching for our cars.
Funnily enough I knew it was Needham Road in 1980, but on the internet it says you opened the first London showroom in ’81. So, I didn’t want to contradict…
Steve Abbott is a fellow Bradfordian. Far more devoted to the Bantams than I.
Are you still involved with Smallbone Kitchens??
Well, interesting that you ask- I finished with the company in 2009, and then 2 years ago decided I wanted to do it again!
I had been playing too much golf and was basically getting a bit bored…. so I rounded up family and a few mates, and talked them into helping me – we actually launched the new business with a stand at Chelsea Flower Show in 2018, 2 years ago this week!
We were inundated with nice people who visited our stand and convinced us we needed to create a new version of what we did at Smallbone from the early days. I had fresh designs and new ideas and we realised how popular a really personalised approach can be.
So we set up Ledbury Studio at 4b Ledbury Mews North – all of 200m from the original showroom at Needham Road!
As and when you next come to Notting Hill area we would love you to come and see us- And of course anyone reading your blog is very welcome at our Studio- normally we are open through the week and most Saturdays and have good coffee- not to mention a capacious wine fridge which we are always looking for excuses to open up!
So, still doing kitchens to last a lifetime- and keeping busy to stay alert!
Looking forward to your next instalment!
Thank you for insisting on carrying my 80 year old mother’s luggage through the airport late last year on a trip from France to the UK. You are a lovely gentleman. She was charmed.
My pleasure. Always happy to help out a younger lady!!
Ps Look out for next ‘Life in Laytonia’ going ‘live’ in a few hours. Around 8pm.
please forward the link to who-ever might be interested. Forward even if they’re not!!
Dear George, this may amuse in those moments when you can’t sleep. It always does me. https://xkcd.com/386/ Kind regards, Liz
Many thanks!!
Look out for next ‘Life in Laytonia’ going ‘live’ in a few hours. Around 8pm.
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